My first time behind the wheel as it were… it was another adventure my husband had planned for me to experience, another first. There were a lot of emotions I had to deal with from this one, fear being one of them; I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, I didn’t want to have a seizure.
An adrenaline rush is enough of a trigger that can set off a seizure but the idea was to have fun, nothing more. Todd (my husband) is my rock. He knows me and knows how to handle any situation before, during, and after me having a seizure so more often than not, he will prevent seizures from happening just from being around me, but today we were split apart. I was on my own, in my own car, and alone.
There were others on the track with us. I was afraid for them. I didn’t want to hurt them. When things happen, when you “black out”… well, let’s just say this was going through my mind and it was enough to make me cry when I finally made it through the first track. I cried because I finished the track incident free, but I cried more because I was scared and it was finally over. But it didn’t end there.
It all came to the surface then. I couldn’t stop the tears from quietly rolling down my face. I was embarrassed. I wasn’t trying to be bass ass, but I didn’t think I was wanting much, just to drive a stupid go cart for God’s sake! Could I at least have that for a blessed hour of my life? I was arguing this inside my head and cried more. I wanted to go home. I felt defeated by my own fears and was ashamed. I couldn’t stop shaking and was thankful none of the other drivers got hit or hurt by me.
Todd was patient, let me rest, gave me some beef jerky and a sport drink. We sat by ourselves off to the side and I was speechless for awhile with my thoughts and fears. I love how Todd loves me so much and I wanted to try again, if for no one other reason but to show him I wasn’t a quitter. I nodded that I would try again. The second track came as fast as the beating of my heart but I silently screamed at the fast wind and tackled each curve with precision. Before I knew it, the checkered flag told me it was over but we had another race and one more track to go. This one was also all to ourselves. That was the key because I was having fun! Todd told the crew (workers) what was going on with me and so it was just us the last two race tracks. I wasn’t worried anymore. Nobody was speeding alongside me, or cutting me off, there wasn’t anyone for me to worry over, I just had to worry about myself and I was tackling those curves and slamming ahead because I knew Todd had my back, he always did, so I could have fun. I wasn’t scared anymore.
It was fun. I felt good, and I was confident. We raced around and I was finally living up to the name I originally entered for myself when we signed up for this fun date at the Go Cart Race Track, I was LM Fields, a.k.a. Dragon Core.