“Have you been abused? Did you break the chain? There is hope.” LM Fields
How I wish there wasn’t abuse in the world. I wish none of them were children, but that’s how it works; the abused grow up to continue the abuse they experienced when they were little. The chain is rarely broken, why? Maybe because it can’t be? Wrong. It can be, but it means looking inside, and having the courage to face your darkest fears. You can heal some of the pain. It may take you a lifetime but there’s hope so it’s never too late to start.
Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn’t discriminate. The most damaging kind of abuse is never seen, it eats away at the very soul of the victim, leaving invisible scars that burn deep. I’m not sure if these ever go away. Do they fade over time? Maybe, speaking from experience, it’s been twenty plus years and I’m still trying to find that answer. Is it possible to live a happy, productive life? Yes, but be ready to face your worst nightmares over and over again. It means letting go, and breaking the cycle of abuse. This will be your greatest gift to your children, and the lives of those you touch, breaking the chain.
I made a promise I would never repeat the abuse and pain I experienced when I had my own children and to that promise I kept true, but I never realized there was one more person I didn’t include; I continued to hurt her. I continued where my attackers left off. I was psychologically abusing myself, something those I had left behind had done all my life, over and above the physical abuse. They programmed me so well. I believed the painful words they ingrained in me. They treated me like garbage so I believed I was not worthy of being treating any better. I was pushed around, made to feel subservient, without a brain to think with, especially when I spouted off with something intelligent to say, and I always paid the price for it later.
I thought I freed myself when I left, in a way I did, but I failed to realize was they still had control. I was a prisoner of my own mind. They had me under brain arrest and I never demanded the keys to my soul back. It took me more than twenty years before I ever went to that place, and found the courage to take a stand. It was a mental stand, one I made on my own, and when I did, I felt as though I died– and for three days I wanted to– but I wiped my tears and felt a new inner strength. I was starting all over again. I was really free!
I don’t know what you have experienced, God willing, you’ve never been abused, but if you have, you can’t find your solution in a bottle, at the end of a cigarette, or in any combination of drugs. Hooking up with another abuser will not make you feel worthy or feel any better, it will only cut open old wounds as they pour more salt into you. Do you have children? You are endangering them. Whether you realize it or not, you are subjecting them to, if nothing else, all kinds of stress at a bare minimum. If you love your children then you will seek help for yourself, and for them.
The invisible scars damage the soul. As you abuse yourself, you will in turn abuse everyone around you. You will continually make excuses for everything that goes wrong in your life as you make wrong choices. You will never take responsibility for your actions because that means having to look into that mirror where the demons live and that means seeing the truth. The truth will never go away, and the longer you try to ignore it, the worse you will make every moment for yourself and those around you. If you only hurt yourself, you automatically hurt your children, teaching them by example they should have no respect for themselves or you. If you bully your children, you teach them how to be when they grow up, or worse yet, they are practicing this behavior now on other children weaker than themselves at school.
All you do has a ripple effect. Your past can haunt or teach you. You can learn from it and move on, or you can pretend it never happened and live in a fantasy that hurts every life you come in contact with. You can be toxic, or healing. Everything starts and ends with you making a decision. Why not try something new? Become the beautiful angel you were born to be, take back the life you were meant to have. Face the darkness and cry. It’s all right… that’s called hope.